The 15th-day mark: reflections on productivity, boundaries, and mental wellness:
Yesterday marked the half-month milestone of living in Beirut. At the heart of this cosmopolis, I’ve embraced my adult life in full throttle. And for the first time in years, I wasn’t glued down to my seat, numbly scrolling through an endless feed.
Met with the overwhelming pace of collegiate life abroad, I’ve come to reflect on and learn from the habits and idiosyncrasies that I associate with productivity. This rumination was first sparked by a book by Cal Newport that I'm currently digesting, titled “Deep Work”. Newport’s book is a holy grail for anyone struggling to reach and relish in a state of intense focus, whether for school or work. The one query I'm looking to borrow from “Deep Work” is: how do we negotiate our attention with people and the world around us through boundaries?
The 21st century is the epitome of Matthew Crawford’s attention economy, wherein human attention is a scarce commodity. Upon reflecting on my first year as a college student, and the first half of my mandate as the national president of the TIMUN — Tunisian International Model United Nations — Association, I’ve realized that I have done a poor job protecting my finite intellectual and emotional energy. I’ve made myself overly accessible to the point of no return. No message left unread, no e-mail left unanswered, no calls missed, no rainchecks or excuses. I was constantly negotiating my emotional and mental well-being with those around me (friends, colleagues, and dependents) and consistently losing those negotiations.
For months, I felt like a shell of the person I once was, drained, distant, dissonant from my best judgment, and constantly pushing the boulder up the hill. “ You have to imagine Sisyphus happy”, yet unlike Sisyphus, I couldn’t imagine myself content with any of my accomplishments no matter how far I pushed the boulder up the hill. I convinced myself that my mental well-being is the price to pay for my success. And I continued being available, taking every critique to the bone, disregarding the flashing light of my emotional gas tank. The lurking shadow of imposter syndrome haunted me for months, fueling my grueling routine of self-flagellation.
Surrounded by my fellow scholars and my mentors here in Beirut, I am healing, I recognize that success and mental wellbeing can coexist, that my happiness is unnegotiable, neither is my emotional and intellectual energy, and that boundaries — be they personal or professional — are my best ally. My professional boundaries separate my personal life from my commitments, allowing me to be efficient in both. My personal boundaries regulate how I make myself available to my loved ones, thus valorizing every shared moment.
My work here is far from done, I’m still a people pleaser, I still give too much value to the opinions of passing strangers and distant co-workers. Yet, every day, I’m growing, learning, adapting, this is my sunflower season.